I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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