I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
