I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
