I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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