If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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