My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
