Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
