I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
