My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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