She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
