The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
