Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
