she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
