I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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