I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
