Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize