She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
