I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
