I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
