Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
