How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize