This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
