Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i need some magic done to my vagina
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize