he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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