I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
