Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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