before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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