I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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