I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
