mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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