Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
