The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You ruined the universe
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
