all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
