my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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