It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
