why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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