I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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