scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
