I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
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