Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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