The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
