Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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