I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
