There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
