And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
