Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
