I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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