when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
