Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
