I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
