Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
