I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
