Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
