I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I AM VODKA MAN
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
