it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
