You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
