Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
