People with herpes should wear stickers.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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