OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
