I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
