hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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