My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
