Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
