Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
