Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
